~ Spiritual counsel by Rick Lawrence, D.D.    

             Tips for harmony in interaction with others

    What's your answer?  What do you think when you hear the word slave? Most people will say, "No! Not good! Not me!  I don't want to be a slave and I don't want anyone else to be someone's slave."  

     Slavery is going on all over the world: from out and out slavery in countries like Sudan to children, and young adults being lured by the promise of a job in another country and finding themselves entrapped in prostitution and child labor. It is sad to know this exists in the world, but in this speech, for a little while, I want to bring to your attention a type of slavery that is practiced by a high percentage of people throughout the world. This slavery can be subtle, but is still slavery and sometimes it is downright cruel.

     The slavery I'm speaking about flourishes in all social strata in a variety of forms  It is 
practiced mainly by men, but sometimes by women. The prominent features of this type of slavery are: most people who practice it aren't aware that they are doing so, and true to the dark side, the dominions of Satan, it takes place in millions of residences and other locations all over the villages, towns and cities of every nation. This slavery is usually a "couple" or family thing. It flourishes, in the majority of instances, as long as the one in control can hide his or her actions from the public or outside community. 

     OK, this slavery is entitled abuse, or domestic abuse, child abuse, or when taken out of a residence to your work or, recreation or church it is called a number of things: aggressiveness, strife, divisiveness, and so forth. When I talk of these things, some people present shrink back and wonder, "Am I an abuser? How could I be? We normally think of domestic abuse as that which involves pushing, hitting, slapping, punching, throwing someone down, kicking, and so forth. When you see this kind of action in public, you know the person handing it out feels above the law and public opinion. His next victim may be you. The domestic abuse I'm speaking of here is the subtle form

     When we say Domestic abuse, most people understand that to mean that some man is threatening violence or actually beating his wife -- it also happens with boyfriends and girlfriends. If we want an example and illustration of slavery -- this would be an ultimate case. But while you men (and women) are congratulating yourself thinking, "I have hardly ever touched my spouse in anger -- that lets me out," many of you fail to understand that you cannot abuse your mate and take the attitude, " it's all okay -- just part of living." If you don't work to shut it off, you will hold back many possibilities in life and further, you will teach your children, or others you influence, how they should act in a relationship. 

      While I'm teaching on this subject, let me also mention a behavior that needs correction. If you are one of the many people that publicly corrects your wife or husband, e.g., in front of others, or you make him or her look inferior or incapable of answering questions, remembering or carrying out tasks, you are being disrespectful of your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. This behavior is often unintentional and may even be meant to be humorous, but it is improper; it also teaches those present how to treat your significant other. If you don't respect him or her, you will send the signal to others that this is the way he or she may be treated by them.

     Are you an abuser?  Is your mate actually your slave?  For many generations there has been a belief in cultures around the world that males should be macho and controlling and females should be passive and obedient. In my seminar on this subject, I go into greater detail and offer counsel to open the understanding of those in an abusive relationship. Many marriages, families and other relationships are revitalized by understanding the principles that are put forth. Why we act as we do and where  some of our major behavioral misconceptions about relationships come from.

     Let us call domestic abuse by the name many doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors refer to it: domestic violence. Are you aware that domestic violence is more than physical abuse?  It may also be in the form of verbal abuse inflicting much emotional or mental distress and pain. Apart from raising and disciplining children or basic interaction with at work responsibilities, and emergency situations, you are exercising abuse anytime you attempt to impose your will upon another person whether it is physical or verbal or in another way. I have found that abusers are often unaware of what they are dishing-out, all abusers have an inner drive that compels them to act the way they do. Seldom are they aware of the anger, hurt, pain and stress felt by those who suffer like slaves from these abusive actions.

     Are you in a relationship with someone and you "track" all of her time, you are jealous and possessive? Do you prevent her from attending functions or groups alone?  Do you discourage her from spending time with family and friends?  Do you control all the finances and insist that she account in detail for everything she spends? Do you play mind games in order to subjugate her and make her submissive to you? 

     Do you use names or put-downs that devalue her in order to win arguments or get your own way? Do you criticize her for little things and blame her when things go wrong?  Do you ask her to do things or are you "bossy" and order her around?  Do you tend to make all of the decisions, and give orders as if her opinion wasn't of value? Do you humiliate her in front of others?

     I've brought up some of the practices that men and women use to exert their power and try to impose their will to force women to be passive and submissive in a relationship. Does domestic violence take place even in church people? Yes, domestic violence takes place in all walks of life, all races, all religions.

     The problem is seldom addressed in religious groups and churches. We wonder why more and more marriages flounder, more relationships suffer, but we don't speak of common domestic violence in all of it's forms that cool the romance of a marriage. As I said previously, domestic violence thrives as long as it remains hidden. People cannot be helped toward change unless they receive instruction about the subject.  

     Domestic violence thrives in the relationships of many true Christians. It prevents the relationship from experiencing many blessings that might otherwise be received.. And, yes, the stress involved may hasten breakdown of the marriage and even emotional and physical illness. 

     Domestic violence may have been perpetrated only a few hours before or maybe on the way to church, but everyone puts on a pleasant face as if their relationship is platonic. It's so hypocritical. I have much more to cover  on this topic with information and discussion on verbal and physical abuse, as well as the collateral effect on children, relatives and friends. 
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     let's talk about marriage relationships. The Word of God says a man's wife should be in submission to her husband and that children should obey their parents. It says in Colossians 3:18,19,  "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." Also, see 1 Corinthians 11:3.  Now, it doesn't say that husbands are to act like kings of your household, exercising a dictatorial authority and that everyone is suppose to snap-to and obey your every whim or command. Wives, it doesn't say that you are to be dictatorial and bossy -- even if your husband is a wimp, you don't browbeat him, you work to help him restore his self image. 

     The Bible clearly says that man is to be the head of the household, but loving and gentle in the Lord. And the wife? You are to yield when it is appropriate, but you are certainly allowed to submit your ideas, plans and intelligent solutions into the decision-making process for the governance and direction of the family. In the New Testament, read Ephesians chp.5 - starting with verse 23. Is your relationship coming apart? Is it mirroring the ugly side of life? My first advice to you is to get right with God. Jesus will help you turn it all around. 

     You are to have a partnership. Marriage is not only a romantic adventure, it is also a business partnership. Marriage, in the biblical application, is much like a business. I know of no businesses where there are two CEOs exactly equal in responsibilities. Unfortunately, some couples see each other as competitors. One thing both of you may want to remember, rarely does a person get everything he or she wants whether at work, at home or in the community. More people should learn that relationships can move forward when partners practice negotiated compromise. You talk over and work out things so each of you gets some of what you feel is important. This is a give and take approach to a smooth relationship.

     In my opinion, men and women can have co-equal voice in the family affairs: the budget, the house: the money, assets, checkbook, financial planning, raising and educating the children -- as you both are following the Lord and in a right relationship to him and God's divine order is followed. If your husband (or wife) puts forth solutions or plans, or actions inconsistent with the Word of God or common sense, you are not obligated to foolishly obey that which is illegal or leads to disaster. 

     Do respond to your husband as head of the marriage when at all possible and pray God will give him help in making good decisions within his area of responsibility in the marriage. It is worth noting that more prayers would be answered if relationships were in keeping with God's Will. You can find the Will of God by reading the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. 

     There are a lot of games couples (and even children) play to exert control in a family. God is not pleased with these. Here, I add the thought that women often help destroy a marriage by working to usurp the role of husband as the divine order head of the home. God created and set his programs in motion and they would function just fine if men and women would be in vital contact with God and his Word, the Bible.

     It is God who gives talents and levels of intelligence to men and women. Who can say that a man's work is greater than a woman's childbearing, rearing of the children and nowadays doing the family work plus working outside the home. How often does a man come home and sit on his laurels while the wife comes home dead-tired, but is expected to care for the children, do the laundry, clean the house, cook the meals and so forth. Let me just say, in my opinion, family chores for working couples are to be shared by the husband and wife.

     I have witnessed enough "experts" expounding Bible verses in the form of doctrine or philosophies who seem to know little about real life. They proclaim the key to establishing and sustaining happy, productive home and family life is for men to exercise their "authority" as head of the house. I have noted that men who can't boil an egg are told to "take charge" as head of the household and especially handle the finances because that shows authority. Many who advocate this approach aren't being realistic; they fail to see the whole picture. The marriage finances are better served when man and wife are mutually involved -- a precedent is the example of airline pilot and co-pilot.

     I remember counseling a woman whose husband was encouraged by others to handle the family finances and budget; he went into freefall until saved from disaster by her common sense.  The wife was the one who had God-given talent for organization, math and finances. Marriage was meant to be a cooperative relationship with man and wife each seeking their own level, but respecting the divine order of the marriage relationship and walking with God. If you are experiencing problems in your marriage relationship, I recommend that you get right with God, and proceed from there. Nothing is impossible with God. He loves you and will help you.

     The Bible teaches that a husband should be the head of the family. Marriage is a partnership which should be based on mutual respect. God, first created man and later, woman to be a mate and helper. It's a matter of biblical, divine order. Man is to be the head of the family, but God did not give man a mandate to be childish, abusive, self-willed and dictatorial.
                              
     The basis for all domestic violence is a matter of control -- feeling a need to exert a dictatorial control of your spouse and family. You may be in the error of also extending abusive behavior toward associates at work or people in other situations you are involved in. The need for controlling others stems from our own insecurities and is usually subjective (internal) from learned behavior present in  upbringing. Let me say this, "controlling or abusive behavior is normally a result of children seeing and internalizing behavior often seen in their parents or other close relatives. It is like a chain that binds you and causes you to automatically duplicate the controlling, abusive behavior when you have children of your own. 

     The good news is dictatorial, controlling behavior can be changed if you are willing to change. Again, like many things in life, we have a choice. You can decide to break a link in the chain and change your behavior patterns. The Bible has much to say about freedom from life's bondages and how to experience happiness and success. 

      As I close this study, Let me assure you, God can and will work miracles in your life to help you. 

      If an individual rejects Christ, then God may refuse his help with the problem in that person's life. It follows that in our earthly lives, we may also be denied help or favor if, as true believers, we behave with disobedience or rebellion.

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